Too comfortable

Loneliness is killing me - again. And I don't even start to change the situation to make my life much better and fullfilled. Instead I'm always sitting on my bed watching non-sense videos or reading some blogs. It's like I want to suffer in self-misery. No going out, no talking to friends, no distracting myself by learning something new, or even doing my homework. I know this isn't good for me, but do I change my behavior? No. So I shouldn't complain about how bad I'm feeling now and why nothing gets better. There is no such thing that out of nowhere something good will occur in your life or that your problems will get solved on their own unless you take the initiative and start creating a new happier life.

Someone should just kick my arse so that I can finally move on. Serioulsy.
(Stupid me can't do it on her own because she's too comfortable with the current situation.)

Fight for what you believe it's the best

"A lifetime isn’t very long. – This is your life, and you’ve got to fight for it. Fight for what’s right. Fight for what you believe in. Fight for what’s important to you. Fight for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you. Realize that right now you’re lucky because you still have a chance. So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it today." - Marc and Angels


Today was a very effective day, even though I didn't really do a lot. It was a long time since I've talked to this very good friend of my mum. I call him my mentor. He has taught me so much and is still doing it, I'm just glad that I've someone like him. Through our conversation I could clear my mind and know where my problems are and how to solve - not all of them - but quite a few.

You have to know, in the last few days I was a bit lost and confused about what I want, what my goals are, who I am and who I want to become. I even played with the thought to quit my studies because I didn't see any sense in it at all. Now it's getting better, yet the confusion isn't completely gone but talking with him got me a better understanding of myself.
We also talked a lot about the issues my mum and I have when it comes to understanding each others point of view.
Things got quite... inconvenient since I've returned from Mallorca. It's like I'm a whole different person. I used to listen to what my mum said and followed her orders even if I wasn't happy about it. She had such a power and dominance about me which was - without me knowing consciously - deeply rooted in my inside. But now I don't want and can't listen to her anymore, simply because of one thing:

I've learned what freedom really means. I experienced how it is to live only for the moment, day by day, for two months, not caring which consequences would rise up tomorrow due to my actions because there was no tomorrow.

You can't believe how much this experience have changed my life. My mentor said, it's like I was new-born there. And this is pretty much it, I started a new life.
But complicated as life is, there are some people who can't accept the person I've become. I could have less stress if, for example, my mum isn't constantly against my view and actions. Yes, I go out and party a lot. Of course it could happen that I meet "bad" people who can hurt me, physically or mentally. But hey, I'm not a complete idiot who can't estimate human behaviour. I somehow manage to take care for myself. Yes, I visit friends in difficult cities, having fun hanging out with them. And of course this time I spend with friends I can't use to study. Ok, I'm not prioritizing studying right now, but I'm sure when the time comes it'll work out and I can schedule the things which have to be done. I know I'm not a stupid person who throws away her future just to have a better life at this moment. Because this better life won't last long.

So, people, just trust me in what I'm doing and stop worrying so much. You will see, Mum, how this rebellious and freedom-loving stage of your daughter can make her a better and stronger person in the future.

I'm back, but still not yet

Funny how things can change so rapidly. I've just read the last sentence of my last post and I can say, in these two months I was abroad I lived this motto until my limits. Now I'm still faithful to it, doing a lot of crazy and fun stuff with friends I met in Mallorca. So, the "every day life" hasn't still returned. (See the title)

So, yes, I'm back, but as another person. Maybe you will notice soon. Let's see what my new life in Bremen can offer me.

Busy busy all the time

Maybe you've noticed that I don't have that much time for blogging anymore because it's a while since I uploaded something. I'm working a lot, so I hope you can understand that. I just wanted you to know that I'm still alive haha, and that I haven't forgotten my blog.
By the way, this wednesday I'll be in (on?) Mallorca for around three weeks, because of work, of course. So there will be no new photos for a period of time unless I can post something in the next two days.

Don't forget:
"Nothing is worth more than this day."
So enjoy yourselves and live today to its fullest!

These stupid little mistakes

Always these stupid little things which ruin everything.

Always stop at the top

Yesterday I called a good friend because it was two months ago since we've talked and I wanted to ask him if he had time during the holidays. I didn't intend to spend much time on that matter but in the end we'd talked for over two hours, which was funny and kind of strange. Do you know that feeling when you have a conversation that takes a lot of time and at some moment you notice that everything is said and you don't know what topic you could discuss now? This is the moment you've talked too long and'll leave an awkward feeling/ mood (?) behind.
It's a really important matter when to end a conversation - to leave a good feeling. There is this German saying: "Man soll aufhören, wenn es am schönsten ist.", which is similar to "Always stop at the top." Ok, we still had topics to discuss about. However, the best moment was over.

But this is not what was bothering me so much. He told me about an incident which was long ago, about ten years ago, I think. Somehow I don't remember anything at all. Even if that was a kind of intimate matter. Strange...

Brightly colored

H&M blouse and shorts

My Brightly Colored Pants Collection

Pants(from left to right): Store in Viet Nam, Pimkie, store in Prague, Pimkie, Topshop

Shorts (top down): Viet Nam, Tally Weijl, Tally Weijl

black/ brown dress  (Tally Weijl)

                             I like this figure-hugging dress so much because it fits me very well. Generally button lines on each side are great.

That reminds me that I really need one of of these high-waisted shorts with these button lines.  I've wanted them for so long.

However, these photos were taken at the bathroom in my college. I know, normally it's not cool to take photos in bathrooms. But this one is so nicely designed.(Seriously people, why don't you take photos outside or in some prettier rooms?)

Plain T-Shirt  (Zara)

In my next  fashion post I'll present you three different blazers by Zara, H&M and Vero Moda. There is also an awesome dress I have to show you! One hint: Zipper.

Rule No. Two

"The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life."

- marcandangel

Vulnerable

Yesterday or should I say the day before yesterday? Never mind, quite recently on my way back home from work, I realized that I am incapable of having a relationship with someone. When I came to this conclusion it shocked me but at the same time it was pretty obvious. I was just blind to it because I was so busy thinking about myself and my problems due to the loneliness which sometimes overwhelmes me. This loneliness is the reason why I shouldn't date someone. Exactly this desire to have a boyfriend, only to fill the emptiness inside me, makes me weak and vulnerable. The result is that I'm too clinging and can be easily hurt. In this condition I would fall for anyone's lies. So it's better not to come too close to anyone, at least at the moment, until I'm strong enough to have a relationship and stand against all this anguish and pain which might arise when the relationship ends.

Nothing is worth more than this day

A short preview of the new fashion photos

Real Love

This picture makes me realizing that I've never truly loved someone. This is such a hard fact. There was always a maybe when I fell in love because I hate depending on someone who might hurt you later. So I've always left a backdoor. I guess the time you see someone for the first time, not their pretty looks but their beautiful character, and you know that's the person you've always wanted and who should be the only person for you, that's the moment you really fall in love. But of course it takes some time to see this beauty deep inside them.


The only thing I can do, is living my life as usually and wait for the moment it just happens. Waiting again... but that's no problem because I don't have to rush to fall in love. I know there is someone out there who is perfectly matching to me and will make me feel loved and needed.

Do it

Stores opened last Sunday

Lately I prepared a lot of photos for you. I can't stop buying clothes, haha. These are the newest pieces although there is err.. some underwear and an awesome top missing. Coming soon, I promise. I mean the top, not the underwear.

Well, some regions in Hamburg were open last sunday, also Altona. So my friend ( I call her aşkım) and I decided to combine shopping and studying. This didn't went so well as I'd already expected. We spent a lot of time at H&M because there was a large sale there. Every type of clothes was greatly reduced,really everyone could find anything suitable for themselves. Now less talking, here are the two pieces I purchased at H&M, which I want to show you.

Red Blue Plaid Shirt by H&M
Price: 5 €

I still have to take a photo of this shirt when worn. That looks a lot better. By the way, this is my first plaid shirt, and that's the reason why decided to buy it.
Below is my favorite piece of clothing I'd bought that day! Don't be surprised  by the tons of photos I've taken of the shorts. I just really, really like them.

Jeans Shorts by H&M
Price: 10€

The inside pocket with the printed stars is really cute and stylish.

Stay tuned for more fashion photos!

Speaking angrily

This quote is from Dr. Laurence J. Peter who was an educator and psychologist, by the way. It made me think about myself and showed me that I have to change immediately because the way I'm acting now is intolerable. Too often I let my anger speak without thinking about the consequences of hurting the feelings of others. This can be so easily avoided. So I've made one simple rule:
Never speak when you're angry.

Just let the other person talk and keep your mouth shut until the argument is over.

But as simple as it sounds, it's so hard sticking to that principle. Anger makes you blind and careless, so all the things you've intended to do or not to do are suddenly blown away. But I keep working on that since I believe that someday I will overcome this flaw.

The Lost Douglas Bag

Life can be so ironical sometimes. The day started off normally. My alarm clock rang, but I was still lying on my bed for a while until I began with my daily workout. Now my sit-ups have increased to 90-110 a day. I'm kinda proud of me. After doing sports and dancing I hurried up to be on time at the Chinese class with my aşkım.


Today both of us had to go to work after the lesson and both of us are working in the same district. As we were waiting for our train, I told her I'd bought a new lipstick from Chanel. "Why haven't you brought it with you?", she asked me indignantly. She always wanted me to show her my new-bought things. "It's precious to me and it was a bit expensive. I'm afraid of losing it eventually.", I explained her. Askım reacted with a really strange look that was saying: "Seriously? How can you lose make-up?" She told me I should get used to bring expensive things with me, it would be normal.


As we get off the train, our paths separated and I was working at the french "boutique"/ store for about eight hours. But I also had a 30 minute break, of course. I used it to buy this awesome blazer at Vero Moda. I definetely spend too much money for stuff I don't necessarily need. After working I was really exhausted and hungry. However, I love this job so much. It's just two weeks ago when I started working there, but this job fits perfectly to me. I like helping and giving advice to our customers and I also have a lot of fun learning something new. This work has much to offer.


Back to the story.On my way back I gave my mum a call and asked her to pick me up at the bus station. She was so kind to give me that pleasure. While I was waiting and listening to music I looked up to the sky which was covered with little fluffy pink clouds. I love such a landscape (?). When my mum arrived I ran to the car, happy that I would be at home soon to finally eat dinner. But things never happen how we're expecting them.


Back at my room I realised, I've forgotten my douglas bag at the bus station. All the make-up I use every day was in there, and some paper. I panicked. I had to buy all of them again... mascara, eyeliner, lipstick and lip gloss... even my contact lenses box and water. So I drove back alone, but it was already to late. Someone took my used (!) make-up. Who would do that? I was very angry for a while. But somehow I'm not very sad about this lost. Most of them were almost used up, so I have to buy some new soon. Luckily there wasn't anything important in there. And hell yeah, I haven't brought my new lipstick with me. Otherwise I could use it only for one day.


I learned my lesson. Never take more than two bags along. You might lose things you haven't expect to lose. Like make-up.

Go Germany! Go Germany!

Germany's soccer team is playing against Portugal's right now. My family and I are so excited about the game. Portugal's team is just too good. It's so hard to get through the defense.


I wish the German team good luck and hope they do their best.

Awkward

It's so awkward between us, I don't know how to handle this.

There was this boy I've met for two months. In the end we were kind of together, but not really. It was something between friendship and love. Three months ago I told him that I just wanted to be friends with him because I knew he waited for me until I was ready for a relationship. I made him angry but the worst part is that I hurt him. I hate things like that. I can't stand hurting feelings of people I care about. But if I didn't tell him that early, the damage would be much bigger. So it was unavoidable. It's strange and fascinating at the same time how feelings can change so quickly just because you get to know someone else...

Oh my gosh, I can't believe that three months have past. Time goes by so fast. I still have contact with him on facebook and we're chatting sometimes. But somehow there is this gape between us. I feel like he's not the same person anymore. Could be my fault. Recently I have to think very often about him. I think about calling him but something holds me back from doing it. What should we talk about? The last time I've heard his voice was so long ago. Not that I miss his voice or miss being with him. There is something though that I miss about him. I can't identify what it is. Now I still don't know what to do. Whether it's the best if I cut my ties with him or start to talk to him again. I'm confused.

Tiger Nails

Finally I'm posting some new nail designs again. Okay, this design is over a month ago, but somehow I didn't manage to post the photos earlier. They don't look very professional, in fact, they are snap shots. This design resulted from too much boredom at the nail studio, haha. So don't take it seriously and just enjoy the pictures.

Tiger Stripes Nails

Role Model (Vorbild)

You have to work on yourself and strengthen your personality to be able to influence people. If you want to teach or change someone to be a better person you have to improve yourself at first. Because the majority of our society likes to blame other people first and critizes your faults and mistakes instead of listening to you. Even if what you've said is the best solution. I had to learn it the hard way. This makes me sad. They don't realize they're missing a chance to learn something new. 


It doesn't matter if the person who critizes you made a thousand mistakes in their life or can't do it better than you. It also doesn't matter if this person is a murderer, a maniac or a person of high standing. What really matters is the content of what they tell you. You have to separate between what's being said and the person themselves. This is the only way to learn efficiently. If you only listen to people who've reached the status of a role model you won't get far.


Well, I'm trying my best to reach my goal. I'm looking forward to that day when the people look up to me so that I can share all the things I've learned to make this a better world - for themselves and for everyone.

Vorbild

Du musst an dir selbst arbeiten und deine Persönlichkeit stärken, um Leute beeinflussen zu können. Wenn du jemandem etwas beibringen oder ihn verändern möchtest, musst du zuerst dich selber verbessern. Denn die Mehrheit unserer Gesellschaft schiebt gerne die Schuld auf andere, bevor sie selbst ihre Fehler zugesteht. Diese Menschen kritisieren dich zuerst, anstatt auf dich zu hören, sogar wenn das, was du gesagt hast, die einzig beste Lösung ist. Das musste ich auf eine schmerzhafte Weise erfahren. So etwas macht mich traurig. Sie realisieren nicht, was für eine Chance ihnen entgeht, etwas Neues zu lernen.


Es spielt überhaupt keine Rolle, ob die Person, die dich kritisiert, selbst tausend Fehler begangen hat oder es nicht besser machen könnte als du. Es macht keinen Unterschied, ob es ein Mörder, ein Irrer oder eine hoch angesehene Person ist. Denn was wirklich zählt ist der Inhalt, das was sie dir beibringen wollen. Du musst zwischen den Personen und dem Gesagten unterscheiden können, um dich weiterzubringen Sonst kommst du nicht weit, wenn du dich selber nur auf Menschen begrenzt, die schon etwas im Leben erreicht haben und du deswegen auf sie hörst.


Nun, ich gebe mein Bestes, um mein Ziel zu erreichen. Ich will ein Vorbild sein, jemand zu dem man aufschaut. So werden die Leute mich mehr respektieren und mir zuhören.  Ich werde diese Welt zu einer schöneren machen, für sie und für alle anderen.

No friends anymore

Recently I had to experience some unpleasant things... Ok, it's been about 3-4 weeks ago, but it's still bothering me. Do you know how it is when you've thought they were one of your closest friends all these years? They don't have to be close, maybe just good friends. The point is, you believed you would still be important to them although you haven't talked for a very long time. Because you believed that this distance wouldn't affect your friendship. 
How naive I am. Sometimes I think I'm too attached to the people I love or like because I still care about them...


So why have I drawn this conclusion? You know, I threw a party at the beginning of May, right? One or two weeks ago I contacted a few friends on facebook and asked them if they like to come to my birthday because I'd be very happy to see them. Some of them didn't answer me. One friend which was called my "best" friend during my childhood replied to me two days ago that she couldn't come to my party on Friday. The party was on Saturday. I didn't mention it and just said that it's so sad that she couldn't come. She wasn't interested at all to visit me. But answering is better than not answering even if that person is lying.Those friends really disappoint me. Once so close and caring, promising that they would be there for me, but in the end they don't give a shit about you. Sorry for this vulgar expression, but this is how it is.

Doing Sport

So I started about 5 weeks ago to work out every morning for 15-20 minutes. I start with 60-80 sit-ups and I have to say the exercises are worth it. I have muscles at the upper part of the body! You know, this is a really great success for me because in fact I'm thin but I've never done a lot of sports. So I've never looked ... athletic/ fit (?). I don't know how to say in English haha. Whatever, I was and still am the soft type of person, on the inside and on the outside. Now I want to change this though.


Oh I have to go to university now, I'm running late.

Missing someone isn't about...

Party Dresses

 As I promised, here they are!

Violet Cocktail Dress with Golden Glitter

Blue Cocktail Dress with Flowers

Last, but not least: My favorite until my father brought me the other one. I still like it very much. I hope I can get another opportunity to wear it soon.

Glittering Black Party Dress

My Birthday Dress

One week before my party started, I had bought some dresses at TJ Maxx to see which one fits the best. The dresses I didn't want to wear at the party I would return to the store of course. But then my dad came back to Germany and gave me this wonderful cream-colored dress. I wasn't sure if I should wear this one or the glittering black dress. But a friend of mine recommended me the bright one because the birthday girl should be the shiniest person at her birthday. And it was really a good choice. You can see it yourself.

Soon I will post the photos of the other dresses from TJ Maxx.

Stupid things

Why do I always have to do stupid things? It seems that the day I turned 20 didn't change anything at all. Moreover I'm acting like a child more than ever. It's so ironic that I celebrated my 20th birthday so big. I really believed naively that that would be my great day, more meaningful than the 18th birthday because with 20 years you're not a child anymore but rather a young adult. It doesn't apply to me though...


I hate myself for causing so much stress for my mum. It's hurting her... But then I noticed, just sitting there and thinking about all the things I've done wrong recently, won't get me anywhere. All I can do is trying to do it better from now on. I have to work on my personality and self-reliance. I want to be a person my mum is proud of. That doesn't mean I only want to change because of her. More importantly I'm doing this for me. It's just that my mum has given me and is still giving me so much, I want to return everything back she gave to me.


Don't worry, Mum. All this hard work will be worth it. Just be patient for a while.

My Birthday Presents

I've got so many awesome things, I'm so happy! But the most important gift are my friends. Thank you all for making it the best and amazing party I've ever had in my life! There was this moment when I was just feeling happy, nothing else. You can say, it was pure happiness. I can't quite remember the last time when I was this glad.

I love this heart necklace

Lovely Greeting Card

The headphones are so awesome! I wanted some good ones for so long.

I love you, guys!

Oh, one gift isn't in the photos. Not because I don't like it. It's a portrait of myself and the truth is, it's so amazing and it really looks like me, almost like a photo so I couldn't hide my identity if I put it in here. Seriously. I'm still fascinated by his skills. He truly deserves some respect.


Oh man, I still have to take photos of all my new clothes... I try to be on time, haha.

Smile

Thanks for this cute birthday gift. It really reminds me of you because you seem to smile all the time, haha. And I truly do like your smile.

I wish...

Source: http://paintedwallpapers.tumblr.com/

I miss your voice. It seems like the last time we talked on the phone was so long ago. I don't even know, how you are doing lately. I just hope everything is okay.

Be a Lady

Be a Lady, not a Bitch.

I'm too tired now to explain what I mean and to tell the whole background story. But I'll catch up on everything, I promise.

Even if

Even if we can't be together in the end, I'm glad that you were a part of my life.

No, seriously, I mean it. Do you know how happy I am when I'm with you? You are so sweet, nice, charming, gorgeous and extremely funny. I've never met such a charismatic person like you. I like it when we're holding hands or when you smile at me whimsically. I like your little surprises. I like it when you kiss me on the cheek or on the forehead. I like your voice, your accent and the way you talk. So I just enjoy the precious time with you and won't think about the future because I can't imagine how it'll be when you're not here anymore. How you could still love me after all the time we can't see each other. It would hurt and I'd be sad. So I will push these negative feelings away and appreciate every second I spend with you instead.

And if our paths separate, it'll be okay because I know that certain things will stay and I can let you go. I'll keep our precious experiences deep down in my heart and will be grateful for all the things you've given to me.

Spoilt for choice

So this entry is about all the dresses between which I can choose to wear at my 20th birthday party. There are so much more beautiful dresses I guess but it's too difficult to filter out all the good ones.

Which one is the best?

Dazzled